Gentoo Penguins Protest Disparaging Remarks

 

ANARCHY IN THE ARTIC!

Throngs of Gentoo Penguins protested outside Amundsen-Scott South Pole Station today, calling for the dismissal of Progressive Penguin Coalition Spokespenguin Spheniscidae, whose recent remarks about Gentoo Penguins inflamed a community already angry about past disparaging remarks and being given a diminished role in the Jessica Alba endorsement event held earlier today.

Pygoscelis, a gentoo attending the rally, said he was furious by remarks made at an event meant to demonstrate penguin unity and support for Jessica Alba, a possible Democratic Candidate for president.

“Spheniscidae may be an Emperor Penguin, but he is the king of all assholes as far as I’m concerned. He dissed us right in front of Jessica Alba. That prick. We Gentoo are really pissed off right now. We are about to go all gangsta on his Emperor ass.”

Pygoscelis was referring to a comment made by Spheniscidae earlier in the day when the Progressive Penguin Coalition endorsed Jessica Alba for President at an all-penguin event at the Amundsen-Scott South Pole Station. Speaking of Alba as a uniter , not a divider, Spheniscidae went on to say that “believe me, if I can stand here with those asshole Gentoo Penguins and find some common ground with them, then she will run away with this election.”

“Can you believe that fucking guy” Pygoscelis added. “First of all, he’s so full of shit to begin with. When he heard Jessica Alba was coming down here, he hopped right on the bandwagon.  Just three weeks ago he was over at our rookery going on and on about how Ron Paul was the second coming of Christ, that he was going all-out to get this guy elected. Now all of the sudden he’s all about Jessica Alba, and has been since Dark Angel.  Bullshit. Let’s face it –  He’s a media whore. And then he uses his time to get in a little dig at us Gentoos, right there, in front of everyone. He made us the laughing stock of the whole genus, the Kings, the Chinstraps, the Adelies, even those little-runt Yellow-eyed Penguins. Well, we are not going to take this sitting down”

Spheniscidae claims he was only joking in his remarks, noting that the tensions between the Emperor Penguins and Gentoos are well known, and to have them united behind a candidate was a small miracle. “All right, so maybe asshole was not the best choice of words. I am a fucking penguin for Christ’s sakes. The Gentoos are a little too sensitive, you know, they are big, but not as big as us and to top it off, they think their shit don’t stink because they are the fastest underwater swimming penguins. Oh yeah,  you don’t even have to ask them, the first time you meet a Gentoo the first words out of their fucking mouths are – we are the fastest underwater swimming penguins in the world.  Big fucking deal. I am 86 pounds of bad ass penguin. Let them have their rally.  I am still an Emperor Penguin. They are just pissed because Jessica knows a real penguin when she sees one. It’s all about face time folks. ”

 Other penguins at the event saw through both the warring factions and tried to stay on message. Eudyptes, a Royal Penguin and a strong Alba supporter thinks the important thing was they all rallied together for the cause. “Look, Spheniscidae is a bit overbearing, and he definitely has issues with the Gentoos, he kind of took over the event, with a little help from his friends, the ever-adorable Adelies.  Pygoscelis and the Gentoos are just upset because they didn’t get their picture taken with Jessica. She just gravitated toward the cute Adelie hatchlings. They are so adorable when they are molting. Come on people, this is supposed to be a united front. We’re never going to get Jessica Alba elected President if we can’t get past all this internal squablling.”

The rally continued on until the late evening hours, but broke up when the females called to the males that it was their turn to share in incubation duty.  There was no comment from the Alba camp.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Progressive Penguin Coalition Endorses Jessica Alba

Actress Jessica Alba picked up the support of the Progressive Penguin Coalition today during a photo opportunity at Amundsen-Scott South Pole Station.  Spheniscidae, the group’s spokesman and an Emperor penguin spoke for the group, which is comprised of several different species of the non- flying aquatic birds.

 

 

 

“Jessica Alba is a woman of principle and she does not stand boldly on both sides of any issue. She is the candidate that will represent the interests of all penguins in the region be they Emperor, King, Gentoo, and even the downtrodden Adelie species. If she cannot speak up for us, then who will”

Alba, 27, who has not formally declared her candidacy, stated she was just glad to be of service to the Penguin Community and wanted to call attention to their plight. She refused to answer questions about the growing movement to draft her for the Democratic Presidential Nomination

Spheniscidae, a lifelong Democrat, says he was impressed by Alba’s performance in “The Fantastic Four” and has become disenchanted with the constant bickering between Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. “To me, Jessica is a natural alternative to the status quo we have running for the nomination right now. She is a uniter, not a divider, as you can see by the presence of nearly all the species of penguins that have gathered here today.  Believe me, if I can stand here with those asshole Gentoo Penguins and find some common ground with them, then she will run away with this election.”